four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Help. Why am I so naked?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
