Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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