I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
