So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
