HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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