I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
