no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
