All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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