May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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