so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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