Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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