im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
No subtext here. People are naked.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
