We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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