i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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