Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I wish there were birth control emojis
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
