Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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