just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
