What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
it's like iHOP with fire
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Randomize
