If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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