Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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