was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
