Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
