Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize