i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
