meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
