and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
