He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
then he tried to convert me to islam
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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