everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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