Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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