There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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