He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
