I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Randomize
