Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
