i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize