He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
