OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
