I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
