I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
