My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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