my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
