dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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