On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I know her cup size but not her name....
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
