so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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