Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It was confusing and full of hummus
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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