Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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