I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
