Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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