How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize