Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize