I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
