he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
