You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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