It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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