He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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