I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
