I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
