A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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