I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I don't want my vagina anymore.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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