Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
