And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
