This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
