Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
