I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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