The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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