I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
