My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
